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A Woman’s story

July 3, 2017 / admin / Comments Off

Hi, I am a thirty-something woman and member of the CMA fellowship. I have been clean for three and a half years. During this time my world has changed more than you will probably believe.

This is my story of how I came to be a CMA member.

I grew up in the suburbs of Sydney. I was raised by both my parents. I have childhood memories of riding my bike and family holidays on the Gold Coast. I was carefree, playful, and was given the gift of a loving childhood.

My transition into a teenager was a bit more difficult. I started to struggle with who I was. I became uncomfortable in my skin. I lacked the voice to speak up and talk about how I felt. That feeling cemented itself into my soul and began to grow.

I learnt when I was 16 that if I binge drank alcohol I felt pretty good about myself.

I also learnt that if I worked a lot of hours at my part time job, I would have no time to reflect on how lost I felt.

So I stayed busy and binge drank on the weekend. This behaviour carried on after I left school and started working full time in an office.

The thing I never really liked about alcohol was the calories. So when I ran into an old friend who raved about the benefits of ecstasy and speed they had my interest.

I was promised no calories, dancing all night, and the smell of food would repulse me. In my eyes that was a WIN WIN WIN… So my experimentation with drugs began. I was 21 years old.

I still see those first few years through rose coloured glasses. I had a small group of very close friends and we went through this phase together. We went to raves, festivals, day clubs, kick-ons in hotel rooms.

I truly believed I was living this amazing double life, office worker by day, international women of mystery by night.

Week after week I went through the cycle of being awake all weekend, and then caught up on sleep during the working week.

It was tough but I managed.

On the dance floors I found a connection I’d never felt before. I’d never felt more myself, and more at ease.

The first time it was suggested to me that I try crystal meth I actually said no. My exact words were, “no, that’s a scary drug”.

But as often these things went for me, my rubber arm was twisted and 20 minutes later I was in the back of a car smoking crystal meth for the first time.

After using I returned to the club and it felt like I had electricity in my blood. And surprise, surprise, I really liked it…

From that moment on crystal meth had me. Not that I knew it at the time, but it already had me.

My weekends changed once I starting using crystal meth. I had less regard for work on Monday and didn’t want to attempt sleep on Sunday nights.

Coming down then became too painful so I just didn’t come down. I used crystal meth every morning; it was part of my morning routine.

I got away with being high at work for a long time.

I got to the point that having the drug in my system meant that I was acting “normal” – if I tried to not use I would stop functioning.

This is the belief that kept me in this cycle for many years.

I told myself that I needed to work, I needed to function, so I needed to use crystal meth every day.

They say that addiction is a progressive disease. And that is very true for me.

It got to the point that smoking crystal meth every day wasn’t enough. I became open to using in other ways. And as soon as I made that shift everything changed.

I became paranoid and dropped in and out of psychosis. I stopped going to work. I pushed everyone that loved me away; I didn’t want them to see what I had become.

I lost so much weight that my face was sunken and skin opaque.

The only thing I cared about was using crystal meth.

I had a thirst for the drug like I’d never had before, and I’d do whatever I had to do to get it.

My rock bottom came on my 30^th birthday.

I had told myself a lot of lies up until that day, but on that day I looked in the mirror, and I didn’t know who I was looking at.

For the first time I was actually scared for myself and I realised that if something didn’t change, I would die.

Six weeks later I admitted myself into rehab.

I turned up that first morning full of fear. I didn’t know what was about to happen but I knew it was time to try and change.

In the rehab they spoke about funny things that didn’t make much sense at first. Things like going to meetings and being in an abstinence based program which included alcohol.

I was in that treatment centre for three weeks and a few miraculous things happened in that time. I came to understand that I have the disease of addiction and began to identify as a recovering addict. I started to function quite normally WITHOUT crystal meth in my system.

While I was in the treatment centre two members from the CMA fellowship came and told their story.

I related to both speakers and decided that when I left I would go along to one of their meetings. And I did. And I still do today.

My life has changed a LOT in the last three and a half years. And as I stated above, my world has changed more than you will probably believe.

I live a life today that is rich with joy and laughter. I am surrounded by people that love and support me.

It has taken time but I no longer think about using crystal meth.

I no longer want to put anything in my body which will cause me harm. I am close again with my family and I have mended the relationships that my crystal meth use damaged.

I have learnt to love myself and I am no longer confused about who I am.

Every day I stay clean I grow to be more comfortable in my skin.

I am just one woman in recovery who hopes to help other women. If you related to any of my story please come along to a CMA meeting, we are here, and we can help you.

Glyn’s story

June 23, 2017 / admin / Comments Off

So, I want to tell my story. I’ve never written my story before but I have heard other people tell me theirs and I hear mine so here goes….

My name is Glyn and I am a recovering Crystal Meth addict. This is easy for me to say today but that wasn’t always the case.

You see, before coming into the rooms of 12 step recovery I was just an addict. Using became my life. Everywhere I went Meth came with me, either in me or on me.

The relationship I had with Meth was one of using just here and there, I felt as though I could take it or leave it for a time, but then I began to use it more and more and looked forward to it.

When I didn’t use I began to miss it, like a friend you see often and you leave them thinking I can’t wait to hang out with that guy again.

This went on for a year or so until my using became more and more frequent.

Instead of using on weekends sporadically I began using every weekend. Months went by and I was able to recover from my jaunt and show up for work without a problem.

It wasn’t long before I needed to have a little smoke or line of Crystal in the morning, just to get me to work. I distinctly remember thinking once while I was preparing to use that I didn’t need any friends anymore, Meth became my best friend.

Within less than a year I was using every day. That to me sounds almost unbelievable as I am writing this but it is was true and this continued for another 2-3 years, EVERYDAY.

My life began to spiral out of control. I was taking lots of time off work and became very unpredictable. My moods were all over the place.

I made it impossible for people to see me because all I wanted to do was to be alone with my drug. I never called anyone even family and refused to answer calls.

I became withdrawn, emaciated, and completely deluded. I would have thoughts that everyone was against me and trying to trick me.

I believed that people had placed cameras and recording devices in my apartment and at times when I wasn’t searching for them I would be lying on my bed for hours and hours paralysed my paranoia.

I never felt safe, my best friend had become my worst enemy yet I still protected the drug!

No one knew the hell I was going through as I did a very good job of hiding my feelings in public. In a sense I became an automaton, soulless and expressionless outside the confines of my apartment.

One day, a really good friend sat me down and told me ever so sweetly that I was an addict. I broke down and cried. I knew it was true.

I had been lying to myself for years but I knew she was right. That was my first admission that I am an addict. I hated it!

I was walking along an overpass one day and seriously considered jumping over onto the oncoming traffic but as I was working out how to get over the railings I saw a treatment centre in Surry Hills to my left.

I thought to myself maybe I ought to try speaking to a drug councillor instead. I had nothing else to lose at that stage.

I began to seek help and for the first time I spoke to another person about my meth use. That was a huge start for me and I stopped using for six weeks, WOW!!!

When my six sessions had finished I was so pleased with myself that I wanted to celebrate. I used that night and so began the merry-go-round once again.

This time my using became ferocious. I very quickly got brought to my knees once more wanting to end my suffering.

I sat on my couch one afternoon and prayed. Not to God because I felt like He had forsaken me but to Crystal Meth.

I prayed that my life would end sooner rather than later. I give up!! Crystal Meth was now my God!!

Something very strange happened, I became happier and my using became less. I got a kind of strength from somewhere. I can’t explain this but I became lighter and brighter and went outside more and more.

I came across a guy who had spent two years in jail for being a drug dealer and as part of his parole he had to attend Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings.

He began to talk about CMA and thought maybe I could go have a look. I thought why not, at that point I believed I had tried everything else and CMA was one thing I hadn’t heard of.

I went and found it very uncomfortable, I’ve never been comfortable talking about what was REALLY going on for me, but there was something in that room that kept me coming back.

I now know that there is nothing more therapeutic than one addict helping another addict. That was in 2006.

I have to say that my journey fighting this disease of addiction hasn’t been easy nor has it always been successful but I had nowhere else to go.

Today I can proudly say that I have been clean from Crystal Meth and all other mind altering substances including alcohol since 12 May 2014.

Only through working this wonderful 12 step program to the best of my ability every 24 hours am I able to lead a happy joyous life.

I have had so many wonderful things happen to me that it is impossible to write them all down here.

I will share one though. I can walk down the street with my head held high and when I speak to people I can look them in the eye.

My only wish here is that someone reading this can relate. If you can, you need not be alone.

Glyn

Country Kid’s story

October 21, 2015 / admin / Comments Off

I grew up in a small country town in the heart of the Riverina (in the Murrumbidgee irrigation area). I grew up with both parents and four sisters.

When I was seven I was diagnosed with ADD. By the time I was nine it had been changed to ADHD where it stayed until I was 14, when I was finally correctly diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Asperger’s made it hard for me to socialise and communicate with others. I never felt part of, or like I fit in.

I started drinking at the age of 11 and things went downhill pretty quickly.

By the time I was 12 I’d been asked to leave school and to never come back after yet another violent binge in which I had the assistant principle two feet off the ground. So all-in-all alcohol didn’t lead me to making my best choices.

After getting asked to leave school I focused my attention on my drinking and sports (golf and bull riding), both were great outlets for my anger and it helped me to relax a little.

This went on for a good five years until I met my girlfriend and we found out she was pregnant.

It was early in her pregnancy that we knew something wasn’t quite right with our child and these suspicions were confirmed within days after our daughter was born.

She was born with an extremely rare, painful disease that had no known cure.

Most of the next couple of years were spent going from doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital, state to state trying to keep our daughter alive. But sadly, on the 5 May 2009 she passed away.

That day I can remember clear as anything I walked into her room to check on her and she wasn’t breathing, I resuscitated her, successfully bringing her back to life for all of 40 minutes. But she died again on the way to the hospital.

I took this extremely hard and I phoned one of my friends at the time knowing she used Crystal every so often and I wanted some. I was 19.

I asked her to get me some and she told me NO (I should have listened to her).

I rang her the next day and asked her again. She replied OK if that is what I wanted. That was the first day I started using Crystal and I didn’t stop using until 2 June 2014, six years later.

What followed from the first shot was daily using. I almost missed my daughter’s funeral due to despair, anger and most importantly to me… I was waiting for the dealer.

In 2012 while in the midst of my addiction I was blessed with another beautiful little girl. But even after being given a second chance, a fresh start, I couldn’t stop using.

I would take her to my dealer’s place from the day she was let out of hospital through to the day I stopped using.

Throughout my addiction I was always able to put food on the table, a roof over our heads and be there for the people who mattered to me. So I didn’t think I was an addict because addicts couldn’t do that (or so I thought).

It wasn’t until I came into recovery that I realised I was an addict.

I wasn’t addicted to just Crystal; somewhere along the line I became addicted to Oxycodone and Fentanyl. And there was always my drinking.

I remember in May 2014 I walked into the doctor’s office after coming off a bull and suffering three fractured ribs.

I asked for something to take the pain away but was only given Panadol because, and I quote: “if we give you anything stronger you’ll go and sell it or use it in an undirected way!”

After this happened I started to realise I needed help so I made a phone call to a rehab in Sydney and was told to come up in two weeks and they’d have a spot for me. I stopped using the day after: 2 June 2014.

While at rehab someone mentioned CMA, which intrigued me enough to get me to go to my first meeting. It was on a Friday night and I was scared because I didn’t know anyone there. But as I walked into the meeting I felt calmness come over me.

After a few weeks of regularly attending this Friday night meeting, I started to do others, met more people and soon began feeling like I belonged somewhere.

In recovery I have faced hurdles. I didn’t see my daughter for 12 months, I have had family members die, I have had friends die from this disease and another friend was murdered just two days after I last saw her.

But in recovery I can face these hurdles.

The one consistent thing that has been there for me has been CMA – whenever I needed a friendly ear, a meeting, or people who just get what I’m going through.

I am now over 16 months clean and wouldn’t change anything that I have been through because it has helped me become the person I am today.

Today I belong.

Chris’s story

October 4, 2015 / admin / Comments Off

My life is so full. I have freedom, hope and dreams and I wouldn’t trade it for any amount of drugs on the planet.

But that was not the case when I finally asked for help.

I was 22, unemployed, and attending a compulsory resume course for the government.

I was so angry about having to be there, I thought I was doing fine and looked great. I had my ‘business’ in my bum bag and they were just wasting my time.

In reality, I wasn’t doing too well.

I was 42kg’s; my jeans were hanging off my hips with my boxer shorts sticking out the top. I was missing all the buttons on my shirt, had a black eye and bloody nose.

My girlfriend had left me, my old friends were nowhere to be seen, I was homeless and my car had been repossessed.

I was doing things I’d never done before to get on and I was using more than ever. I was using even when I didn’t want to, I felt that I had to. I was using against my own will.

The trainer at the course was asking me all these stupid questions and I was firing back smart arse answers one after the other. I was convinced he was targeting me. I began screaming at him and in that split second I knew I wasn’t the person I wanted to be.

Out of nowhere I said “I need to talk to someone about drugs”.

It wasn’t even my voice, and it seemed to come from deep down in my stomach.

Within seconds two elderly ladies appeared and walked me away with their arms around me. They sat me down and got me to talk. I cried for the first time in years.

They walked me across the road to a psych’s office, I had been there before but this time was different. This time I wanted help, not just more drugs.

The doctor told me about rehab and gave me a stack of pamphlets. I read the first one and knew my way wasn’t working anymore, and I said I was willing to try and do what someone else suggested for the first time in my life. We called the rehab that day.

The lady who answered the phone asked why I wanted to go to rehab. I said, “I just want to be a better person”.

It took a few weeks before I met with a counselor at that rehab and unfortunately by then my desperation had faded.

I was back in the daily routine: an entire life about getting and using drugs. I would do anything to use more – lie, cheat and steal – I knew no other way.

I admitted to the counselor that I needed help to stop using meth, I was even willing to agree to stop smoking weed for a while but I struggled with the concept of not drinking alcohol.

I kept telling her I didn’t have a problem with alcohol, I only drank a few cans (more like a bottle a day). I thought she wasn’t listening to me. I didn’t end up going to that rehab.

As I slammed the counselor’s door she called out “Maybe you should go to a meeting!”

I opened the door and asked “What’s a meeting?”

The night I attended my first meeting I saw people outside laughing and chatting, I didn’t feel like I would belong. It was a dark and cold night in the middle of winter; I hid around the corner until they all went inside.

As they were closing the door to start, I walked in. I recognised the person standing on the other side of the door; his name was Brooke. He had grown up one block behind my parent’s house.

We had used together and had had some great times, but also some horrible times. The last time I saw him he threw a crowbar through my car window and I did a burnout in his front yard. We were fighting over a point of meth.

Brooke shook my hand and said “Welcome. You’re in the right place”.

I can’t remember feeling welcome anywhere before that night; I was touched and will never forget that moment.

It wasn’t the words as much as it was his smile. I had never seen Brooke smile like that, he looked happy and healthy and genuinely glad to so me.

The first person who spoke at that meeting told us about something that was going on for them. No one else was saying anything, just listening intently.

So I interrupted and said “You know what you need to do…” but I was asked to please be quiet and just listen.

Then they asked someone else to speak and I had some questions, so I interrupted again. I was again told to please be quiet and listen.

I didn’t understand how to sit still and listen, I didn’t understand how a group of people who were like me, who had used the way I had used, could all sit in a room together and not use any drugs!

I kept looking for someone in charge, someone who was stopping these people from using!

After the meeting Brooke answered a lot of my questions and people gave me their phone numbers in case I had more, or just needed to talk.

They all said the same thing: “Keep coming back”.

At the meetings I heard some suggestions from people about how I too could stay off drugs and get my life together.

They suggested I keep coming to meetings, one a day for the first 90 days.

They suggested I get a homegroup (a meeting that I would go to each week).

They suggested I do something small to give back, like help set up the chairs before the meeting or wash the coffee cups after it.

They strongly suggested I ask someone to be my sponsor; someone who’d worked this program before and could take me through it.

And most importantly, I heard that instead of trying to stop after two, six or 20 (which rarely happened), how about I simply don’t have the first one!

I don’t remember exactly when, but it started to work.

I had found new people who didn’t drink or drug and were enjoying life. It rubbed off on me.

I kept coming to meetings, getting more phone numbers and talking to people. Before I knew it I was no longer using drugs, one day at a time.

I was going for coffee and dinner before and after the meetings, I was making new friends and generally enjoying life but after a while a new problem appeared… me. I started to feel all the feelings I had been suppressing with drugs. I didn’t know how to deal with them.

That’s when I began writing on The 12 Steps with my sponsor.

Through The Steps I learnt that I’m a good person, worthy of a life full of joy and happiness. I just have this disease called addiction that means when I put drugs or alcohol into my system, my life becomes a mess and a life full of joy and happiness becomes impossible.

That disease tries to trick me into forgetting how much of a mess my life gets. Despite all evidence to the contrary, it tries to convince me that the next time will be different… that the next time I won’t be a mess.

But I learnt that there is help, I found hope for the future and faith that the program works.

I wrote about my life and with my sponsor identified the part I played. We identified my character assets, and my patterns of behaviour that cause me pain. With his help, I am working on replacing those behaviours with more healthy ones.

The feelings are still there sometimes but they don’t have the same power anymore and I’ve learnt that they pass.

I’ve also started doing service.

My first job at my homegroup was to make sure each week the meeting had enough tea, coffee, biscuits and milk for everyone. Seems simple for any normal person but I had never done anything in my life that required consistency!

After doing that for a while I became the secretary of that meeting.

They gave me keys to a building the meeting was in, and my job was to show up early and set up, as well as welcome everyone, clean up and lock up.

I was literally given the keys to freedom! Not just my own but others’. I had never been entrusted with anything so valuable in my life. I didn’t screw it up.

It was so nice to play a small part in helping other people get well, just as I was helped.

Since then I have held a variety of positions in the fellowship, I have greeted people at the door, organised activities, worked on the website, looked after literature sales, and even acted in a play in front of hundreds of people at a convention. We are people who live full lives!

Service helped me to feel a part of.

I had never felt a part of anything. I had never felt as if I belonged. I always had many friends but never felt safe being myself or being by myself.

I was kicked out of home at the age of 14, was asked to leave school at 15, have run away or been evicted from over 40 addresses and lost over 20 jobs.

When I started coming to meetings, I was on probation at the corrections office, not allowed to leave the state for two years and my passport had been cancelled for six. I was in so much debt I was looking at bankruptcy.

All of this changed in recovery.

I have received many gifts in my recovery. Today, I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams.

CMA has taught me it’s OK to be me. It has taught me how to be a part of a community and how to be an active member of society. It’s taught me that recovery is possible, people can change and things will be OK.

It’s taught me that no matter what happens, I never need to use drugs again.

While in recovery I completed my probation and have not had any trouble with the law since. I have worked for the same company for over eight years, returned to study and today am an engineer in an industry I love.

I have reconnected with my family, attended my sister’s wedding and have a key to my parents’ home. My three-year-old nephew video called me this morning dressed as Batman.

In recovery, I live where I want to live, with people I like and without fear of eviction.

I have a licence with all my points. My car has a spare tyre. I have hundreds of friends. I have a passport and take holidays. I have been on a cruiseship, sober. I currently have flights booked for Mexico next month to drive around the desert in a rented chevy.

Today I like myself and I love my life!

Not once have I woken up in recovery wishing I had had a drink or a drug the night before, and I can tell you the ride has been far from boring. As long as I live the CMA way of life I have nothing to fear and miracles keep happening.

Check it out for yourself. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

I hope to meet you at a meeting one day soon.

Crystal Meth Anonymous

Australia

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A Woman’s story

Glyn’s story

Country Kid’s story

Chris’s story

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